Good Job, Get ‘em up way high, Gimme gimme that high five!

Word of the Day for Friday, June 20, 2008
renascent \rih-NAS-uhnt\, adjective:
Springing or rising again into being; showing renewed vigor.

Today’s word of the day made me smile, and log into this rusty account to do a quick lil update -

- and to congratulate myself, give myself a pat on the back for living up to this nick I’ve given myself.

Indeed, I have sprung again into being - and now that the tumultuous ordeal with that dementor has finally died a final death (all that countless resurrections would have made terminator blushed), I am showing signs of renewed vigor.

As Mraz would have proudly sang, good job!

for the sole reason that it’ll be akin to Greek

久未放晴的天空 依旧留着你的笑容 哭过却无法掩埋歉疚 风筝在阴天搁浅 想念还在等待救援 我拉着线复习你给的温柔 暴晒在一旁的寂寞 笑我给不起承诺 怎么会怎么会你竟原谅了我 我只能永远读着对白 读着我给你的伤害 我原谅不了我 就请你当作我已不在 我睁开双眼看着空白 忘记你对我的期待 读完了依赖 我很快就离开

exactly what i feel right now

不值得 - Dreamz FM 除了想你除了爱你我什么什么都愿意翻开日记整理心情我真的真的想放弃你始终没有爱过你在敷衍我一次一次忽略我的感受 我真的感到力不从心 无力继续 这感情不值得我犹豫不值得我考虑 不值得我爱过你这种回忆不值得我提起不值得想起 不值得哭泣  这段感情早就应该放弃早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹这样的你不值得我恨你不值得我为你而坏了心情  我决定不为你而毁了心 放弃爱你 

Exciting times

Just had my 2nd interview today, and my 3rd’s lined up this Monday.  Hope the 2nd offers me though, cos I love love love the vibe of the firm! And I do agree with the firm’s approach of IP law, and think it will be a pretty exciting time of practice for me, if I do get the chance to join them.  The interview was pretty casual, and in fact, it’s my second time with them, having applied to them for my pupilage, prior to their restructuring.  I like what was represented to me, the firm culture, the firm’s expectations of a 1st yr-er and from what I’ve seen, the people as well.  More importantly, I was able to share my need for work-life balance, something the director was sympathetic with and I was assured that my weekends will not be touched.  What’s more exciting though, was that one of the voluntary organizations that I had written to, Humanitarian Organization for Migration Economics, has replied to my application!  Soon, I will be able to assist in their legal clinics/consultations to migrant workers!  Ain’t that exciting??And it’s incredible i know, but I have been going to the gym every morning at an unholy hour of 7 am with my sister.  It feels like I’m catching up on all those years lost, and ya know what, it feels great to hang out with one’s siblings!  Chatting with her made me realise so many things about her that have changed since teenhood, how she has become so focussed on her career, her take on relationships (she sure needs space the way a nuclear plant does), how she has blossomed into this woman I’ve never really noticed (which I suspect SK-II has a huge role to play. I am so getting some of that for myself).  And I am just so thankful that something that had seemed impossible previously is actually taking place right now - I am actually having a relationship with my sister, it’s actually thriving, we are communicating, and we hang out. Sheesh, I am so thrilled, my heart’s a-leaping.  the cost of my gym membership is a paltry sum compared to the immeasurable gift of relationships, i say. 

reclaiming my brokenness & crushed spirit

If there is one thing I learnt from this whole experience, it’s that God doesn’t remove our brokenness - He doesn’t swipe the crumbs of your brokenness off the table at all and make a new person out of something new. He takes ownership of your pain and your shame, He takes what’s left of your spirit, He takes what’s hurting you, and He refashions and remolds you from these dregs. He doesn’t make you forget your role in landing yourself in this sorry state - He doesn’t count it against you, for sure, but He wants you to face it, to own it, to learn.

and in turn, that makes you take ownership of your own experience and responsibility for your own actions. so that you can do what’s most important - repent. for how can one truly repent unless one’s certain that there is no one else to blame for himself/herself?

i guess that’s the miraculous bit of it all - He reclaims what’s useless and wrong and makes something beautiful and perfect out of it.

reclaim, not remove.

taking stock and concluding thoughts

I want a man who inspires confidence, is reliable in his words and deeds, and loves me more than he would love himself and more importantly, love Him more than he loves either of us.

I want to be able to cry when he first tells me he loves me, cos I know it’s true, unrevocable and that I can trust and hold him to everything he says.

I want a man who says unqualified sorry-s and mean them.

I want a man who understands that we both need to submit to each other out of reverence for Him.

I want a man who respects and loves me, and who is willing to give up his rights and not insisting on exercising them cos doing that would cause me hurt.

I want a man, not a boy.

but what I want is only good for me when I am ready to receive it. and all I can say is, only He would know when I am ready to do so.

On a related note, I am grateful for this painful lesson in love, here are some of the lessons I have picked up:

1. the difference between loving somebody and falling in love.

2. loving a person means giving up your rights, if exercising them would cause them hurt.

3. how selfish I had been in the past.

4. true submission in love means never saying “see I did that for you, therefore do it for me too”.

5. no matter how broken-hearted I am, how devastated I am, how many silly decisions I make, I realise now that it’s silly to think that I must get right on my own before facing Him. cos God really loves me just the way I am - if i would just accept this love; He truly forgives me for all my stupid mistakes - if i truly repent; and He wants to make me into the woman he wants me to be - if i would just submit alreadyyy.

read the following in this daily devotional, Faith That Breathes (for women), that I had bought when I made the irrevocable decision to get right with Him and the passage below that I read yesterday made me realise that submitting to His restoration is not a simple case of gluing back the broken bits. gluing back the broken bits is what I am capable of doing - rationalizing my guilt away, justifying my irresponsible actions and pushing the bucket of guilt and sin to other. what amazes me, is how much more I can expect from what He has planned to do - He doesn’t just want me healed, He wants complete restoration.

“… when God completes us, He doesn’t just take the broken pieces and paste them back together so we look like something useful again. He reclaims our brokenness, our crushed spirit, and takes that finely ground powder, mixing it with the fresh, moist clay of His own spiritual matrix and - with His own hands - begins to lovingly, slowly and carefully reshape and remold us. He takes from His own Spirit and re-creates us from the inside out. He breathes His breath into us, whispering words of love and life into our souls until we are able to breathe deeply of His life within us - and without so much pain.

Through Jesus, we are Eve restored. We are now free in Jesus to become everything He intended for us to be from the beginning of time - completely free and completely His. We are remade.”

amazing horrrrr.

adj: rising again into being or vigor

that’s me.

asked andrew out for dinner to whine about my break up. (yes, B and I have broken up, and this time, it’s going to be for real :D) andrew is one of those godsend gems I have been blessed with. I met him during my internship with scb in my third year, and we had clicked right from day 1 and it’s not a surprise that our relationship continued long after the internship ended. over the years, he has evolved from a mentor at work to becoming one of my spiritual mentors. perhaps it’s cos he’s not too old to forget the struggles of a 24 year old, and not too young to be still embroiled in them. everytime i face a dead end or roadblock , in life or in love, I know I could always count on him to be there to listen to me and to provide some really insightful advice and set my perspective right. =)

and this time, it’s no exception. shared with him about the break-up and what led me to make the decision. (most of my close friends would have known the details by now, so i don’t see the point in elaborating it further here. S & L, pls call me when you’re free k?) discussed with him about my potential career moves as well. One piece of advice that he gave in relation to my current situation really struck me.

less is more.

his advice is simply that, less is more - right now, there are all these voids in my life, the lack of a job, the lack of a boyfriend. and while I will be tempted to fill these voids with busyness, I should simply resist the urge to do and seek instead the one thing that would satisfy, i.e. God himself.

i’m glad i met him tonight. =D

What does “gym” and “rhythm” have in common?

I’m still reeling from my virgin attempt at yoga classes and my apprehensive peek into a world I had previously dismissed as siwei-dom, that is, The Gym. I suspect my delirious state of euphoria (which got me googling insanely for planet fitness+reviews+membership+credit card promotions since 10. fine, so my google skills suck big time.) is probably a by-product of having experienced something novel - remember when I got my first Mac?

and I dunno why, but i miss siwei all of a sudden.

Oh, I actually do feel the impetus to wake up early to go for classes in the morning before I start work (that is, on the assumption I start applying for a job soon, very soon) cos the high from the workout is simply more effective than caffeine ever did for me! But it’s gonna be a very very expensive substitute for coffee don’t ya think so? oh, and it’s not as if it will make me abandon my cuppa for good!

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Day 2

Finally shook the dust of indecisiveness off my back, took a stand and resolved to get right with Him. (mrs wieser, you would be pleased to know that your ‘you’re slipping‘ statement did knock some sense in me afterall.) Day 1 was off to a rocky start - admitting that you’ve slipped is never easy after all. and like always, I would call kel. Kel on 14 Feb 2004, Kel on 19 Nov 2007 again.

Day 2 made me realise that I am not ready to handle the emotional upheavals that come with each contact from him, hence the sms as follows:

Actually, ya know what, I would appreciate if you don’t msg or call me this week at all, if possible. you can tell me about your talk with Kel next week. have an early night.

cold turkey ish good.